Friday, October 24, 2008

Be Still

I'm here to come clean and to ask for your prayers.

I am NOT being still. Either figuratively or spiritually. And I must, I really must. But I'm not. I'm twitchy beyond expression.

(Fair Warning: if you're a man, or if you don't want to hear about feminine issues, you might want to stop reading here and and just pray for me. I'm not going to be graphic, but my struggle relates to feminine things, and you might want to skip this blog.)

Here's the deal. Two weeks ago yesterday, I underwent outpatient surgery (general anesthesia) to remove a cervical polyp. It was large, and believed to be rooted at the back of the cervical canal, so the planned procedure was similar to a D&C. Basically, they used rods of graduated size to manually dilate the cervix sufficiently to get to the polyp and remove it at the base. It turns out the that the polyp was rooted just inside in the uterus, not in the cervical canal, so the surgery was a bit more involved than expected, but all went well. Pathology reports were all clear, as well.

After a surgery like this, you're expected to have some bleeding for several days. It can also trigger your cycle to speed up, especially if done close to the expected time for menses. This happened in my case, and I expected to be done with the whole business by about last Thursday.

Well, I'm not done. Still. And it's not because there's anything terribly wrong with me. It's because I just can't be still. I've talked to the dr (via the nurse), and it all comes down to me doing more than I should.

Hello?? We're moving next week! I am so not ready (packing wise) for this move. I have so much to do.

If I could go back and have a "re-do":
~ I would see if waiting a month or so would have been a problem.
~ I would grill the nurse and doctor to get a more clear idea of what recovery would be like. I think they did their best to communicate that to me, but either they weren't emphatic enough, or I wasn't listening. The later is likely.
~ I would humble myself and ask for a week of meals from my church family. Two people brought a meal that first week, but the burden of cooking hasn't helped at all.

So, that covers the "if... then..." statements. Those are mostly for your benefit, dear reader. Remember them if ever you are up for surgery.

"If...Then..." does not, however, help me. I need to find a way to deal with the circumstances in which I am currently being given the opportunity to glorify God.

Last night, as we lay in bed, I appealed to Jonathan for help. I seem to not have the appropriate "gear" for going the right speed at this time. After I'd expressed my frustration with trying to not do too much and consistently failing (and whining about how much I need to do...), my beloved husband informed me that I was missing the point. I guess he was right, because I had to ask him to tell me what the point was!!

The point is (I hear) - I'm supposed to be resting and letting my body heal. I'm supposed to be mostly off my feet. And if I don't give my body the time it needs to heal, not only will this infernal bleeding drag on indefinitely, but I could hurt myself long-term.


And here we are, back to faith.
Back to "Be still and know that I am God."

Because, humanly speaking, I cannot sit around and let my body heal like it needs to. I have a family of 9 to pack and move. Starting next weekend. And there is much to do.

But I must Be Still.
My God is big enough to take care of the details of our moving.
He loves me enough to not want this not to be a miserable time for me.
And His grace is sufficient.

Please pray that I will reach up with both hands and accept that grace. That by His divine power, I will Be Still. That I will know, not only in the core of my being, but in all my extremities, that He is God.



Tracy Crowe Jones said...

Last night I was reading about David facing off against Goliath. David was continuously focused on what God could do about the situation. The Isrealites were focused not on God, but on Goliath and the harm he could bring them.

Lucado challenges us to be like David. We know our giants and know what they can do to cripple us or tear us down. God knows our giants, too. Instead of focusing on the fear of our giants we should focus on all God can do to defeat our giants.

I don't know how to get into this mindset. Believing in my head is quite different then truly believing it and trusting it in my heart. I suppose as I focus more and more on God and meditate on His power and His protectiveness then it becomes more ingrained in my beliefs.

Eryn said...

goodness gracious! slow down girl! you will be down longer than first intended if you dont follow orders.

Laurel said...

Thanks so much for those thoughts, Tracy. I agree, it is hard to get it from our heads to our hearts. I think you're on to something when you talk about focusing more and more on Him. It's somehow easier for me to spend an hour thinking about my giants than it is to spend 10 minutes thinking about what a great God He is, how much He loves me, how I can trust Him, etc. It brings Phil. 4.8 to mind - that wonderful list of the things on which we should let our minds dwell.

The Lord is finally getting through to me in this situation that it not about the situation. It's about faith.

I'm thankful He's so patient!

MagenRanae said...

Thanks for being so open and honest with us. I am praying for you right now, and will continue to pray.