Monday morning, I had a prenatal. I've been a little uneasy about this pregnancy, which has seemed almost surreal to me at times for some reason. Though we don't generally opt for the use of a doppler during prenatals, preferring to wait for hearttones until a fetascope can detect them, I was more than ready to hear this little one's heartbeat on Monday.
After some discussion (because I hadn't talked to Jonathan about my perceived need to hear the heartbeat), B got the doppler ready and started looking. And looking... and looking. Since I was already concerned, it seemed like an eternity. After a couple minutes, B suggested that she try her other doppler (that's more sensitive, but has some battery issues). One she got it powered up, she went back to looking for a heartbeat. It was obvious it had a better signal, but still... looking and looking. I just closed my eyes, waiting and praying. I could feel the tears pricking at my eyelids. I never thought the beat of my own heart would be a sound I wouldn't want to hear. And then, the most beautiful song in the word - the beat of my little one's heart. My eyes flew open and met B's, both sets full of joy and relief. Sweet little heart, pumping along in the 140's or 150's. Bliss.
A friend of mine was a couple weeks further along in her pregnancy than me. It was kind of neat to have a buddy at almost the same stage as myself. Until last Friday, when they found out that their little one had died. She birthed him at home early last Saturday morning. My sorrow for my friends has been a thread running through my emotions all this week, and they are in my thoughts and prayers regularly. Even in my joy, they are in my thoughts. What a complex mix our emotions can be.
I'm starting to gain more energy and am hopeful that I'll get back to blogging more regularly soon. I have lots to tell you!